Testimony

*Excerpts of my life from 1992 and 1995. I was asked to submit my testimony for a book about women who God has helped them overcome greatly. I simply told others to do it because I felt I had no powerful testimony...I now realize through this poem that my LIFE is a testimony.*

Thank you for not killing me...
When I myself wanted to die, anyway
Well maybe not, pass from this life
But become dead to the pain I felt
When you both told me we, our relationship was dead, over
See two times I allowed it to kill me, my spirit
I gave each of you men enough power to end my own, life
I know you never much wanted or expected
Me to take it as I did
But when your world ends
It takes your life with it
You each said goodbye as you thought of me
Cheating with that other guy
Was I wrong, that's not even the issue
I didn't realize the impact of what I did, or didn't do
Didn't think or know I needed so much, tissue
I reached out for something to comfort me
because of your guys rejection of me
you weren't there
Now who would comfort me
No one, not even me
See I couldn't see…

The first time, I blindly walked around
As in a drunken stupor down the streets of Illinois below "the hill"
Down a street I was unfamiliar with
Not wanting to run into you, your sister, or mine
Wanting, wanting, but not wanting, anyone to know
Many still don't, know
That I had taken several drinks of my nieces medicine, none of which was required
But needed at the time
I didn't want to feel the pain
Wanted time to stand still
Although I would have preferred to go back, in time
In time I would have thrown that erotic letter away
Given to me by a co-worker that I just threw in my purse
You found it

Accused me
and now pain found me
If only that medicine I took could have been for pain, not allergies
Maybe I wouldn't feel what I was feeling
Tears wouldn't stop
my clothes had they been rags
I would have blended into the streets of the ghetto
Strangers wouldn't have stared at me as if something was wrong with me
Walking down the streets crying, doped up, dead, inside
I wanted to die ust for a while
I was mad, that the medicine wasn't strong enough
That there was nothing else I could take
That there was no alcohol to wash it down
So instead with all these feeling in my head
I walked back to the house
Now alseep, I slept, the medicine off
There lies the end of that relationship, end of story

But its not the end of the story
About three years later now in Michigan, history, her-story, repeats itself
Yes this time I was wrong I cheated
Don't ask me how I could
Don't judge me, look at where you're standing, as you look at me
Just because I was sorry for doing something, so sorry
Doesn't mean it hurt any less
Doesn't me I didn't want to be forgiven and try to do my best
He was the best, thing that happened to me
So on crutches, in the midst of college finals, a broken ankle, and a broken heart
I had enough of the pain
Again the tears wouldn't stop
And I wanted to die inside
maybe even have my heart stop long enough for it to repair itself
Just long enough for all the pain to go, away
the pain that was drowning me, paralyzing, killing me
I could think of nothing else
I was consumed

Just as the effects of the hydrocodone and motrin overtook my natural senses
So too was the drug induced effects of being without your love
I felt as if I was dying, I had enough
Pills to maybe do the job this time
Because ironically,

I refused take the hydrocodone after my ankle surgery
I didn't like the way it made me feel
And now I was beginning to feel, nothing
You would think it was bittersweet relief

I again called out for someone to comfort me
I hopped to the payphone and called my mother in Illinois
There was no comfort she could give me

Through wires and plastic
I'm sure instantly she knew something was wrong
I can't recall all the exact details but
I think she made me give her the number of my girl friend
At some point they took me to the hospital
You know, where you go for healing
I had to drink some nasty charcoal, I was gonna be fine
But I also had to spend the night for observation
Of my mental, not physical
I didn't want to talk to some stranger
How could she help me
After all, we still wouldn't be together
I got over it though, I soon realized this simple truth
no life is worth losing your life
Jesus laid down His life
He died for you and me
Powerful
I know now I wasn't ready to die for we
That's the way God designed it to be
Thank you Lord for the gift you gave me

And for not taking it back,

When I wanted to return it
I no longer want to die, not physically
Even when no person is there to comfort me
I have learned that your hand was always there reaching out to hold mine
Thank you Lord for not killing me

But being there for me
when I wanted to die anyway
You have always been there to comfort me
I was just looking the other way

~”Beautiful Thought”(c) 2O10 All Rights Reserved, Natasha Ane'e Sansom